Are you curious why we do the things we do—and what truly drives our behavior? So often we know we’re not acting in the best way, that we should stop doing something, or do it differently… and yet we don’t.
When we’re brave, we try to force a change through willpower. We push against the urge building in the background, spend all our energy resisting—and in the end, the old pattern wins.
So what now? Is there a “magic” way to change?
First, remember one essential truth—and really let this sink in: people don’t change; behaviors do. We are not our behavior. We are us, and behavior is separate. If you try to “change yourself,” you’re setting yourself up for failure from the start.
So how do we change behavior so we do more of what helps—and let go of what’s useless or even harmful?
Begin with a simple question: How do I know something I do isn’t serving me? A little self-reflection goes a long way. Even if we like to think we’re always right and everyone else is wrong, there’s a common denominator in all our repeating problems: us. If we keep running into the same walls and the same kinds of people giving us the same feedback, it’s worth looking at the one factor that shows up every time: our own behavior.
What can we do? If we’re willing to consider that something in us may be off, let’s look closer.
“People say I’m moody, unreliable, unhelpful, withdrawn. Maybe I drink too often, smoke, use, or do nothing at all and call it ‘just being lazy.’ It works for me—why should anyone care?”
Or maybe I know I want to change: care for my body and mind, learn new skills, level up at work, become the kind of person who contributes and helps. How do I actually do it?
Ask the key question from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): “Is this ecological?” In NLP, “ecology” means the long-term safety and benefit of the change—for you and for others. Is this good for me now and later? Is it good for the people around me, for my environment? If your honest answer is “no,” it’s time to do something different. We know that if we don’t care for ourselves, the body eventually sends the bill. If we treat people poorly, support may vanish when we need it most. If we grind 48 hours a day in a stressful job that doesn’t fulfill us, it’s no surprise when our system crashes.
You’ve probably heard of behavioral patterns or “programs.” How are they created—and can we actually change them?
Yes, there’s the so-called “willpower,” and sometimes it works—but only for a small percentage of cases. Often it backfires.
Our programs form in different ways. We pick up many of them in early childhood from our closest people. Yes—parents. With love, they also passed along some less helpful programming. When actions didn’t match their words, we learned the very things we were warned against—because actions are the loudest teachers.
This isn’t about blaming parents. Most did the best they could with what they knew. They showed love in the ways they’d learned, and we naturally adopted those models. It was the only reality we had.
Patterns can also form in a single moment. One jolt in an elevator, on public transport, or a shock from a spider—our system stamps in a survival program that shouts “never again,” and suddenly we’re jumping on tables and screaming…
Is it ideal to panic every time a tiny creature looks at us from a corner? Probably not.
In those moments, willpower is useless. The inner surge is so strong that our behavior flips to autopilot.
That’s the point: every behavior is powered by a deeply rooted, subconscious feeling—a memory that triggers emotion and sensation. Safety or threat. “I’ll jump on the table; that’s safe.” Thank goodness spiders don’t have wings, right?
If we could remove the emotional charge from those memories, would our reaction be the same? Most of us would agree: probably not.
“But you can’t change a feeling.” When someone gets on my nerves, they’ll always get on my nerves. If I fear something, that’s just how it is—and maybe I’ll pass it on to my kids so they’ll be ‘safe’ too.
What if that’s one huge misunderstanding?
Most people can change almost any memory-based, subconscious feeling in minutes. For many it takes just a few; for others a bit longer—but it’s possible for everyone willing to do the work.
How much would you like to be “ecological” for yourself and others? What if the reactions and feelings that bother you (and your loved ones) started to fade? Would you still be you?
Back to our guiding truth: “I am not my behavior.” Behavior can change while you remain you—only more at ease, happier, healthier, and likely here longer. Chronic stress wears the body down; you already know that.
Thankfully, pioneers studied not just illness but excellence—people who could change memories on cue and work directly with their feelings—and they built techniques that help the rest of us do the same.
One of them is Robert G. Smith, the creator of FasterEFT, which unifies and refines effective approaches so change can happen fast. The goal isn’t years of weekly sessions when many issues can be resolved in a single sitting—or by you, at home, for free.
So how do we change our behavior—for good?
Keep it simple: Choose what you want to change.
Notice—and write down—how you know you do it. Scan your memory to find the earliest times you experienced this reaction (in yourself or around you). Use a tapping-based technique to release the emotions and sensations from those memories, then recode the scenes. Come back and test related memories; notice how they’ve shifted too. Clear what needs clearing and install the behavior you want—something better.
For a straightforward tapping guide, look up: “What Is Tapping.”