When we talk about low self-confidence or low self-worth, we’re touching one of today’s most common themes. Every day—on the street, at work, at school—we meet people whose self-evaluation sits well below freezing.
Is that you? Do you also think so little of yourself? Do you feel you’re not good enough and can’t possibly achieve anything?
At the same time, you don’t want to turn into those who flaunt such overblown confidence that it’s obvious they’re faking it—propping themselves up at others’ expense. So how do you escape both traps? How do you build real confidence and feel at home in your own skin?
First we need to recognize where our confidence and self-worth usually come from. In most cases, they don’t come from the right source. They come from the outside world: our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, teachers, classmates and friends, partners and spouses—everyone we interact with most.
Typically from those who, logically, “matter most.” They seem to have the greatest power over us. That’s how it “should” be, right? They’re here to tell us what we’re doing wrong and how to do it “right.” If we don’t follow their script, we’re labeled bad—and we’re often made to feel it.
How many times in your life have you heard lines like:
- “You’re worthless.”
- “What will ever become of you?”
- “You never do anything right.”
- “You’ll never learn this.”
- …and so on.
Anger, maybe frustration, sadness, disappointment, confusion—and many other emotions that arise from how we interpret those moments.
We say we shouldn’t be judged by those who haven’t walked in our shoes—by people who don’t know us. But these people do know us… or so it seems.
It’s rarely just a one-off comment, either. Those close to us have their favorite, well-worn phrases and use them often. And when something finally goes well and we feel genuine joy, they knock us back down: what worked once doesn’t mean it will keep working, don’t get complacent, and so on.
It’s not that they mean harm. On the contrary, they usually do the best they know how—but only from their point of view. They speak the language that was once spoken to them, repeating what they lived through and how they think about themselves. In that moment they do what they believe is best—because they don’t know another way.
Not everyone is willing—or able—to throw away what they were taught. Even if they hated it as kids, they adopt the same programs and patterns and pass them on to the next generation.
Be honest—do you ever do the same to your children or loved ones?
This low self-worth and confidence becomes our foundation. And no matter how hard we try, it can feel immovable. It ties back to what we’ve lived through—the voices we carry in our heads and our self-talk, the pictures and movies we replay in the mind (consciously or not), and the feelings that go with them.
From all of this it should now be clearer where our self-evaluation usually comes from—and where it should come from instead.
If we don’t know how to shift it, we can spend a lifetime with the bleakest view of ourselves—and then “infect” everyone around us with the same lens.
Notice that the way your loved ones once treated you is likely the way you now treat yourself—and maybe others.
To change your self-worth and confidence, sometimes you don’t need much. Start by noticing—and stopping—generalization.
What is generalization?
To generalize is to over-simplify and lump everything together. It’s like viewing Earth from too high up: you see continents and cities, but not the people in them—the altitude hides the details.
Example: You meet someone who says, “I never do anything right.” That’s a sweeping generalization. The game-changing questions are: “Really? Not a single thing you’ve ever done has gone well? Not even one small thing?”
Because everything is shaped by our inner dialogue, a simple question like this can end a long struggle. It forces the mind to search not for failures but for wins. We flip the coin and look at the other side. Suddenly we discover plenty of things—perhaps small, but real—that have worked. We just weren’t trained to notice them. This shift alone can make it much easier to stop over-generalizing.
Earlier I mentioned the different voices in our heads: parents’, others’, and our own. No, you’re not crazy if you talk to yourself (as long as it’s not out loud :) ).
These voices have a certain tone and a certain location. They might sound like they’re inside your head—or coming from outside. What happens if you take that harsh inner critic and move it somewhere else?
Deliberately shift it in your mind from left to right, or from inside to outside. Change its tone. Give it the voice of your favorite funny cartoon character. Or imagine holding a remote control and turning the volume all the way down. Play with the building blocks of inner experience—what NLP calls “submodalities”.
None of this requires special knowledge—or much time. You can do it quickly and privately, and you’ll start to change. You may also notice whether you’re encouraging your loved ones—or unknowingly weighing them down the way you were once weighed down.
If your life holds a pile of failures you can’t stop replaying, you can transform those memories into resources. You can use tapping to change your inner world—and watch in amazement as the outer world starts changing too.
Confident people know their own value, they recognize their strengths, and they work on their weaknesses so they’re at least a little better than yesterday—every day.
Confident people are kind and capable of helping others—offering a hand and lifting them up to the same step they’re on.
Be that person…